The White Light of Grace by Lillie Leonardi

The White Light of Grace by Lillie Leonardi

Author:Lillie Leonardi
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hay House
Published: 2016-02-16T00:00:00+00:00


CHAPTER 17

A MOTHER’S LOVE

Like many mother-daughter relationships, mine is complex. It is intertwined with regrets and a great deal of misunderstanding, especially in the early years of my life, when she and I appeared unable to achieve any synchronicity or balance. Sometimes when my mother was asked about our relationship, she would reply, “Lillie came out of the womb telling me to go to hell and kissing her dad. The sun rose and set on her father. I could do nothing right and he could do no wrong.”

Medical research implies that the touch or scent of a mother is usually the first sensation a newborn baby will register. With a limited ability to see, these impressions bond the child to the mother. This bond is the link that, in turn, provides the little one with a sense of security and that allows him or her to grow and feel that he or she is safe. When this bond is underdeveloped or broken, the child often feels abandoned and lost. And so it seemed this is what happened with my mother and me. With so many siblings, there never seemed to be any time for the two of us to connect in a meaningful way. Being one of the eldest, I felt obligated to help with the younger children. Mom’s eventual return to college only heightened my sense of insecurity. As a result, I felt unprepared to participate in a world that seemed less than secure. And when I became pregnant, the breach between Mom and me became even deeper.

For many months after Dad’s death, I continued to feel a great sense of loss. Without his constant presence, life seemed somewhat discombobulated. And I found it increasingly difficult to live up to a promise I had made. During our last conversation in his hospital room, Dad had made me vow I would help take care of Mom when he passed. “Since I will no longer be able to watch over your mother, I’m counting on you to carry the ball,” he said.

When Dad uttered those words, I did not reply as a dutiful daughter should have. Instead I asked, “Why me? You have nine other children who are better prepared for that. Mom and I are like oil and water. We have no connection.”

With a distraught look on his face, Dad replied, “I want you to promise me, right here and right now, girl.”

And so, out of respect for my dying father, I merely shook my head in agreement.

As I ventured on a path to open my heart and forgive, I considered ways I might mend our fractured relationship. Because, if I was to be honest with myself, I would have to admit that the turmoil was as much my fault as it was Mom’s. So as a means of expressing my emotions, I took the pen in hand and wrote a poem, one that I would later gift to Mom on Mother’s Day.



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